None of us like being judged, condemned, and told what is wrong with us. Especially if we didn’t ask for it. Nor does it feel good when the solution or diagnosis given is far from the truth. Has this happened to you?
On older lady caught me after church, calling my name and tapping me on the shoulder as I passed.
“Seems you had a bit of a problem with the song today.”
I nodded, not liking to be reminded.
I had played the offertory music that day, and while it had been okay, I had made more mistakes than normal on the piano. Which had irritated me.
“Spending more time in God’s word, instead of seeking pleasure, will make your music sweeter.”
I stared at her. Speechless. Not even knowing how to respond to her rudeness, but feeling my cheeks grow warm.
A long pause passed between us.
“A pretty young girl like you probably has other things on her mind, but putting God first needs to be your priority.”
What was on my mind was getting away from her at the first opportunity, but I was also raised to respect my elders and be kind at all costs, so I just stood there. Literally frozen in place. Not knowing what to do or say.
“After you’ve read your bible and prayed, then practice the piano. But not for yourself. For him.” She pointed at the ceiling.
“Okay,” I managed.
“There you are,” my sister blurted in. “Mom says it’s time to go.”
I left her side faster than a chicken chasing a grasshopper.
It hurts to be wrongly accused.
All the drive home I thought about what she said. Shocked at her nerve. Her accusations.
Because that was what they were.
I knew why my playing hadn’t been as smooth or flawless as usual. And it had nothing to do with reading my bible.
It was because I had not practiced the way I should have.
I had not spent the necessary 4-5 hours that week playing and replaying the song. Working and re-working the awkward parts my fingers paused and tripped over, until my fingers could play them consistently without tension and pause.
Plain and simple. I had failed to practice enough. And her saying otherwise did not make it so.
I felt humiliated. Wronged. And misjudged.
In her mind, I had been pronounced guilty before questioned.
As my brothers and sisters teased each other, talked about lunch, and complained about one another, I promised myself I would never do that to someone else.
I didn’t realize it then, but I was feeling the indignity of being told what was wrong with me.
Having my problem diagnosed without the diagnoser asking me one single question to verify if they were on the right path. Or even heading in the direction of the correct solution to the problem.
They also hadn’t asked me if I wanted their diagnosis, advice, or opinions.
Accusing each other is something we do.
Have you ever been pronounced guilty without due questioning?
None of us like being judged, condemned, and told what is wrong with us. Especially if we didn’t ask for it. Nor does it feel good when the solution or diagnosis given is far from the truth.
We like to be involved in the whole process.
To be asked our opinion. Have what we say heard though kind ears. Even acknowledged, with deeper and pertinent questions then asked. We want to have some say in the conversation and take part in the verdict by giving our side of the story.
And while this is what we would like, it can be hard to fight the urge to diagnose and proclaim someone else’s problem for them.
Especially when it seems so clear to us.
Oh, I have been guilty of this.
And multiple times, despite me not liking it done to me.
Here are some ways:
Thinking I know why my child is acting a certain way, and then telling them my diagnosis without getting their opinion.
Being sure I know why my husband is doing something, and then pronouncing my judgment. And of course, before he asks or is ready to listen.
Looking from a distance at a friend and thinking I know just what the cause of her problem is. Anxious to give my advice so she can have less stress and an instant solution.
Maybe I am not quite so blunt as the lady at church who commented on my piano performance (but probably only because my personality is not so blunt, not because I am more self-controlled or have wiser conclusions). I am usually as confident with my solution and diagnosis as she was with me.
I’d like to think that my analysis hits closer to the bull’s eye than hers did, but that would only be fooling myself.
Because I am sure that sometimes I have been standing so far in left field, that I am not even in the stadium.
How to quit passing judgement on someone.
Maybe you know what I am talking about.
Because you have found yourself either getting bad advice or giving bad advice.
Standing where we do, away from the middle of the storm and the problem, other people’s solutions seem simple. Their problems easy to diagnose.
It’s so easy to judge. Decide an outcome or reason. And give unsolicited advice.
Partly because we don’t know the whole story. Know their heart or see the multiple complications that make up the person and situation.
I know I have been guilty of this many times.
Because I of course failed to never treat anyone as the lady at church treated me.
I have stuck my oar and two pennies into conversations without being asked.
I have wrongly judged the reason people were where they were.
Because I didn’t take the time to learn the whole story. Ask questions. Be curious and want to know more before speaking. And because it is easy to simplify the whole complicated thing down to a few simple steps or a simple problem.
I have come to realize that pre-conceived conclusions are often wrong or heading down the wrong path.
I don’t know why the lady’s kids are misbehaving.
I don’t know why a couple looks angry at each other.
I don’t the whole story about why someone divorced.
I don’t even know part of the reason why someone failed to do what they promised.
Not unless I take the time to ask questions.
The time to listen.
The time to be curious.
The time to suspend judgement.
I have to quit assuming I know what happened.
Acknowledge their side and their story.
Not minimize it, discount it, or tell them where they are wrong.
And the hardest part of all, allow them to come to their own conclusions.
My job is not to tell them where they are wrong, how to better their life, or tell them what they need to be doing instead.
My job is to love them. Support them. Walk with them.
All the time pointing them to the One who is the ultimate solution.
Thanks for stopping by. Keep remembering what’s important.
Theresa
Discussion question: How do you handle being pronounced guilty before being questioned?
May link up at Crystal Storms (#HeartEncouragement), Maree Dee (#Grace & Truth), Anita Ojeda (#inspirememonday), InstaEncouagements ((IE Link-Up), and Jeanne Takenaka (#tellhisstory).
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I could feel myself getting angry as I read your words.
Angry at the old lady & angry at myself for the times I have done the same thing.
Only by God’s grace have those injured hearts been healed.
Thanks for your tender heart. Our human brain likes to jump to conclusions and figure out why someone is doing something, and so we do it to each other. May we do it less and less and may we extend grace to others and ourselves.
Amen 🙏
Oh my goodness, Theresa! I’m still reeling over the old lady / piano remarks. What are people thinking?
And then I remember that hurt people hurt people. And without God’s transforming grace, that could even be me.
So much food for thought, as ever, friend. I read recently that the thing that non-Christians dislike most about believers is that we are so judgmental.
Lord have mercy …
Hi Linda, yes, hurt people hurt others. The remark was more saying about her, than me.
Yes, Christians can be very judgmental and use our faith in ways to hurt one another. I am thankful that her comment was so outlandish that I didn’t really believe her mistruth. May we radiate God’s love to others, and not our judgement.
Ouch! I’m sorry that happened to you, Theresa. How devastating to a young person’s heart. May we all learn to love without judgment! Love and blessings to you!
Thanks, Trudy. Yes, to learning to live without judgement. Love and blessings to you too!
Great post, Theresa! I can still remember the sting of being wrongly judged. God is to judge. Even Christ was not sent to earth to judge. He was sent to redeem. We should not stand in God’s place and judge others.
Such wise words, Laurie. People judged Christ, but he didn’t go around pronouncing judgment on others. Hopefully we can remember our roles.
The barbs seem to sting even sharper when they come from a church member…But I have judged too. Thank you Lord for the conviction of you Holy Spirit! I heard a great quote that has stuck with me-“Christians think they are prosecuting attorneys or judges, when, in reality, God has called all of us to be witnesses.”- Warren Wiersbe. Amen!
AnnMarie, what a true and lovely quote. May we be be the witnesses he called us to be.
I’m sorry you were misjudged, Theresa. Your story is heart wrenching and convicting, “It’s so easy to judge. Decide an outcome or reason. And give unsolicited advice.”
And I appreciate your insights, “I have come to realize that pre-conceived conclusions are often wrong or heading down the wrong path. My job is not to tell them where they are wrong, how to better their life, or tell them what they need to be doing instead. My job is to love them. Support them. Walk with them.” Amen.
Thank you Lisa. At the time, it hurt and stung. Now, I can look back and laugh at it. I am just as guilty as her, though. I can remember some of the bad advice I have given others, and cringe inside. I am preaching to myself. I want to become more like Christ. That’s my goal.
Yikes, Theresa! To be the recipient of such misguided counsel must have been awful for you. Like you, though, I’ve also been guilty of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions without getting the whole story. I hope I’m learning to talk less and listen more as I get older, but I can assure you, I still have plenty of room for improvement! Thank you for this convicting post. (The gorgeous photos are the sugar that make the medicine go down!)
Oh, Lois, I like the flowers helping the medicine go down. 🙂 And me too. Room for improvement here. Trying to do a better job of not jumping to conclusions and thinking I know the whole story and also have the solution.
Even though I forget this sometimes, I always come back to the belief that people respond so much better to encouragement than criticism. It’s amazing that you even continued to play the piano after such comments when you knew you made mistakes. You didn’t need anyone else to point them out to you. Your post today has helped remind me of this and to practice it. I loved these lines: “My job is not to tell them where they are wrong, how to better their life, or tell them what they need to be doing instead. My job is to love them. Support them. Walk with them.” Wonderful post, Theresa!
Ashley, this is one of those times where the hurtful words did not damage and sink into my heart. For some reason, my teenage brain could see that she was so far off base, that yes the words hurt, but not enough to give up playing. I think God was protecting me that day and showed me the truth of her words so that I did not ruminate upon them and stop playing for church because of them. People do respond so much better to encouragement, than criticism. When I think through what I am going to say to someone and start with encouragement, the results are so much better.
As providence would have it, this is the exact message I needed today. Thank you for reminding me to treat others with the same kindness and encouragement I enjoy receiving, instead of being critical or making wrong assumptions.
Hi Annie! Thanks for visiting. This is a message I need to hear too.
I’m sorry for the hurt that lady caused with her words to you. It’s a good reminder not to make assumptions about other people but to ask questions and get to know what’s really going on.
I have a boss who has a different personality from me in almost every way and we’ve had to work really hard on that. He would tend to throw out lots of new information quickly in meetings and then he’d interpret my silence as disapproval, when actually I was trying to take in and process what he’d said. It took a while but fortunately we were able to talk about it and come to understand each other more.
Thank you Lesley. I am glad you and your boss were able to see that you were different in that way and better understand each other. It is easy to misread someone and their way of processing, speaking, reacting, and etc., when it is different from us. Someone who sleeps in wonders about those that rise early. And vice versus. Oh, if only we were taught to ask questions and not judge them as wrong, just because their way is different from us. Sometimes learning little things like this about our mates, co-workers, and such can make our interactions with them easier and smoother. Because then we are not taking what they do so personally, but realize it is just the way they operate.
YES! Thank you for the reminder. I hate being pre-judged, but I’m so good at pre-judging others. It’s taken a long time and some really hard life lessons to reveal my sin to me. But reminders like this help keep it real and in focus for me! Gorgeous photos–it looks like spring has sprung in your neck of the woods!
Spring has sprung here. So nice to see the early flowers and green popping out on trees, instead of just brown and bare. I like you, hate to be pre-judged. But need reminders not to do it to others. I think the more we can unconditionally love others, the less we pre-judge them.
While we may not do this to some we don’t really know so well, I know that I’m guilty of doing this sometimes with my husband. It’s hurtful and it’s something that I should work on. The problem is that we often think we have the answers to other people’s problems – forgetting to apply the same wisdom to our own!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and those beautiful flowers, Theresa!
Connie, yes, it is mostly to people I know that I do this to. It is so easy to think I know the answer to someone’s problem, whom I know well, and then not be afraid to tell them my thoughts. Giving my diagnosis and solution. I am also working on this.