Kids need to make mistakes. And for us parents, this is hard.
It was the first overnight birthday party my daughter had been invited to since we had moved half way across the continent and she had started a new school.
Excitement buzzed in the air as we drove home and she regaled me with all the details. All the seventh-grade girls would be attending.
Everything seemed in order until Ashley mentioned the movies they were going to watch. All were fine, except one. A scary movie.
I knew that this movie would scare Ashley to about her limits. In a few years, no big deal, maybe. But where she currently was in maturity and scare-wise, she would probably be afraid for a while.
We talked about options one evening at bedtime. Her, under her bright coverlet of yellow scattered with large bright red and pink blooms that matched her personality, and me atop.
I explained that it was a scary movie and I definitely thought she would get scared by it. No, it was not a movie that was wrong to watch, but I didn’t think Ashley would benefit from watching it. If she did, she would probably be scared to be alone in the house and have trouble at bedtime after seeing it.
She agreed. She did not want to be scared, but she also wanted to be with the girls.
We tossed around a few options.
I could pick her up before the movie, which of course the girls had decided to watch late at night because what better time is there to scare one’s self than around midnight? But then Ashley would miss out on the morning activities.
I could call the mother and explain that Ashley was not allowed to see the movie. No. The other girls were excited to watch it and their parents were okay with it. No need to ruin the party.
Ashley decided to just go to bed while the girls watched the last scary movie. That way she wouldn’t be so tired the next day and she wouldn’t get scared. Problem solved. Plan made.
I knew this would be a hard choice for Ashley to keep and execute, but I agreed. This would be a learning experience and practice test for real life. In the not so distant future she would be making all her own choices.
Kids need to make mistakes. And we as parents need to allow them to fail if they are to learn how to make good decisions in life.
As parents, we need to allow our children to make choices, which also means making mistakes. Some of their choices will be good, other paths or options we will question. Part of growing up and traversing life involves making mistakes and failing.
A hard job, we as parents have, is to let our children learn how to crash and burn while they are still at home, while their decisions are hopefully not too important. They need to learn how to make decisions, so when they leave home and are in charge of themselves they know how and can build on their previous success.
A few days later I picked Ashley up from the crowd of late morning pajama clad girls all sporting adorable bed hair.
We hadn’t gone very far down the dusty half mile gravel drive when Ashley burst out, “I did it mom!”
When the scary movie was pulled out, she explained to the girls that she was going to bed because she didn’t want to be scared. And then she glanced at me, “I also said that my mother told I could not watch it.”
“No problem,” I laughed. ‘You can always blame your parents and make them the meanies. That way the girls will be mad at me, and not you.”
“You’ll never guess what the girls said,” she gushed. “They said I could watch it and you would never know. That they wouldn’t tell on me.”
“So what did you say?”
“I told them I would know, even if you didn’t. And if you asked, I would not lie to you.”
My heart swelled.
“It was hard, but I went to bed. And you were right. I heard a little of the movie and it was scary. Most the girls had a hard time falling asleep. And guess what?” She was practically bouncing in her seat.
“What?”
“Several of the girls came to me privately this morning and told me I had done the right thing and they admired my choice.”
I squeezed her hand.
If only life were always so easy and had such good results. Ashley had chosen to do the right thing, which would most likely make it easier to resist peer pressure and next time make another right choice.
I could have made the choice for her. Forbid her to see the movie. Picked her up just before midnight. I could have called the mother. But I am glad I did none of the above. It was a good decision for her to make and then fail or succeed.
Kids need to make mistakes.
Sometimes we are okay with our children making mistakes at sports, their music, academics, maybe even their chores once in a while. But letting our children mature and grow into young adults means allowing them to take more control of their life and choices, which invariably means they will make mistakes. And bigger ones then during a math problem.
Gulp! I know. This is hard. Birthing a 9-pound baby is easy compared to this.
Can we let our children study music at college instead of engineering? Can we allow them to date someone we disapprove of? Can we stand by un-accusingly when they buy a truck with their summer earnings when we think they should save it for college? Can we not lecture and guilt when our daughter comes home from college with a pierced nose or wearing a dress we would not have chosen out for her? Can we let their possible bad choices and mistakes in life not break our relationship and unconditional love we have for them? Can we let them learn from their mistakes?
As parents, we need to allow our older children to both fail and succeed, as they make more and more of their own decisions. Yes, our guidance plays a large part at first, until eventually they are adults and masters of their own life.
Sometimes they will make mistakes and choose the wrong direction, but while they are at home, this is a wonderful time to learn consequences and failing with not so serious choices. How much better that they learn the consequence of not being on time consistently at their first fast food job, then when they are supporting their wife and your grandchildren?
How to let our children make more decisions, and in the process, make mistakes?
1. Be patient. They will make mistakes. No doubt about it. We all have and will continue to so don’t expect them to be the exception.
2. Listen to their ideas. Keep communication with them open. Listen more than you give your opinion. Asking questions to help guide their choice works better than lecturing or ordering or telling them they are wrong and will fail.
3. Stay level headed. If used correctly, mistakes can be great learning and life changing opportunities. We often worry our child will make some horrible mistake and ruin their life. Remember that God can redeem all mistakes and bad choices and use them to minister to our children and others. No pain or bad choice is ever wasted with God.
4. Let them know you are rooting for them and their success. Be their biggest cheerleader. Point out their good decisions. Believe in them even when they make mistakes. Build them up instead of tear them down. They will want to do their best and succeed. This is how God treats us. Through motivation and not by “you should have’s.”
5. See them for their potential (not their mistakes). None of us want to be remembered for what we did wrong. We instead, want to be seen as what we can become. We may not tell the truth 100 % of the time, but we want to be seen as honest. We may not be loving all the time, but we want to be seen as loving. God sees us through the righteousness of Christ. He sees us as already new creatures, even as we are still becoming new creatures.
6. Let natural consequences play out (so they learn from their choices). It is better that their boss fires them for being late, than you nagging them and shaming them each morning. It is better that the car keys are taken away after they break curfew, than you lecturing them about how a clock works for half the night. It is better that they discover to turn in their homework on time, then you driving it down to the school and turning it in for them.
7. Choose your battles wisely. My husband reminds me of this quite a bit. Do I want to battle over whether my son wears a coat to school or save my veto power for something a bit more important?
8. Learn to bite your tongue. This comes in handier the older your children become. When your college student calls at 2 am to ask you to proof read their paper, this is not the time to launch into why they should be getting enough quality sleep. You now have about as much control over their sleep habits as you do over their hygiene habits. When your child says, they have just bought a new house 5 states away, bite your tongue and don’t launch into how could they decide this important decision without asking your opinion. Eventually our children grow into adults and are responsible for their own lives.
9. Pray for wisdom for them and yourself. You both need all the wisdom you can get. God is faithful and will answer our prayers in ways we can’t even imagine.
10. Maintain the relationship at all costs. No matter what, our relationship with our children is the most important thing we have with them. Keep those lines open and never give up on them. We may give up on God, but he doesn’t ever give up on pursuing us. He keeps the lines of communication always open so that we can reach him when we want to.
I was so proud of Ashley that day when I picked her up from the birthday party. Would every choice be so successful? No. But this was a major success her and I remembered and built upon.
Allowing out children to mature and make mistakes can be scary. Darn scary. But remember, our goal is to raise children that will spread their wings and thrive, more then they nose dive.
This can only happen if we gently and slowly release our grip on them and let them learn to direct and control their own lives.
Join the Discussion: Any other advice you could add?
Listen: Life as it Comes, a story podcast, takes a humorous look at making mistakes in episode 31, “Have You Pulled a Theresa?”
Posts in this series:
Yay for Mistakes! Part 1; What Do You Do?
Yay for Mistakes! Part 2; How to Respond to Mistakes
Yay for Mistakes! Part 3; Responding to Our Children’s Mistakes
Yay for Mistakes! How to Let Our Children Fail and Make Mistakes
Yay for Mistakes! Quieting a Myth of Mistakes
Yay for Mistakes! Mistaking Our Worth
Yay for Mistakes! Mistaking Paradise
Yay for Mistakes! Some Mistakes are Really Blessings in Disguise
Yay for Mistakes! Dealing with Real Big Mistakes
Yay for Mistakes! Letting Go to Make Mistakes
Yay for Mistakes! Dealing with Critical Words From Mistakes
Turn Your Children’s Mistakes into Learning Opportunities
Learn 10 steps to help you
Yes! I want the FREE RESOURCE to help guide me in creating
independent children that learn from their mistakes.
Linking up at Jennifer Dukes Lee (#tellhisstory); and Holley Gerth (#coffeeforyourheart), A Wise Woman Builds her Home, Pat and Candy, Messy Marriage, and Raising Homemakers.
- How Knowing Your Husband Can Impact Him for Good - March 24, 2022
- How to Stop Focusing on What’s Wrong with You - March 9, 2022
- Is God Really Good All the Time? - February 24, 2022
I loved your post, especially, “keep the relationship.” When learning how to parent a child with mental illness the most important lesson I learned was, “The relationship is the most important thing.” I can repeat that in my sleep. It is my mantra.
When you add mental illness to the mix of parenting it can become even more challenging to know when to allow your children to make their own decisions and possibly make a mistake. As a parent you know the consequences not only for them but for you. However, even still if you never allow them to try they will never move forward. Both of you will always be in the same place.
Recently due to my apprehension I almost didn’t allow for this and guess what it ended up to be a success story like your daughters. I almost stole her victory due to my feelings of insecurity.
Thank you for reminding me I need to keep allowing for mistakes. One small mistake at a time which can also lead to one small victory at a time.
Maree, Yes, without a relationship we have nothing. So glad for your recent success! Yay! It is hard when we as parents know the consequences, not only for them but others. But like you reminded us in your comments, we still need to allow them to try. We are both learning and growing in the process.
I LOVE this blog! I wish with all my heart that I had access to this wisdom growing up. A good foundation sticks with you all your life. If anyone receives poor parenting, it impacts everything. Author, author!
Colleen, so true. How many of us wish for a do over? Thankfully with God each day is new and he is constantly changing our past into a better future. Blessings sweet sister!
Wow! Wise words of wisdom, nice podcast, great post.
Thanks Sarah, for listening and reading.
Theresa,
I love your story and how Ashley chose well. And your tips: so wise 🙂 Beautiful photos 🙂
Thanks for stopping by, Dolly. Our children will not always choose well, but we have to let them begin somewhere.
Thank you for sharing this post at a Wise Woman link up where I am your neighbor today, I really needed this as we are having to let our young adult child make her own mistakes, and deal with the consequences, and it isn’t easy!
No, it is never easy. And I feel for you. Parenting can be hard, especially as our children get older. Remember that those mistakes can be used by God for your daughter’s good. Thanks for stopping by.
I often tell young mothers that your goal in parenting should be to work yourself out of a job. I mean incrementally we have to take a step back and a step back and another step back and let them begin making decisions for themselves. And they won’t always choose to go to bed instead of staying up, but better for them to make a few bad choices and see the consequences of disobedience while they are still at home and they are relatively mild in scope than to try to decide for them and never learn those hard lessons until they are out on their own and mess us a marriage, get fired from a job, expelled from college or worse. And when they do make a right decision, we can be beside them to be their best cheerleader! thanks for the great story and keep up the good work!
Yes. Karen. You said it beautifully. We are working our self out of a job. Slowly and steadily. That’s our goal.
I’m so proud of your Ashley Theresa! These are really good tips. I think it would also be a good idea if we talk over what went wrong not in the “I told you so!” way but more of “what lessons did you learn from this?” This way they keep the lessons a little longer.
Yes, good point. We want them to learn the lesson, which means we need to keep our cool. If they can come to some conclusions themselves, they will learn so much more than us telling them the lesson. Thanks for sharing.
This is so hard to think about, as my oldest turns 11 next month. I want to fix every thing for her and keep her from mistakes, but I know that is not helpful. I love your story!
It is scary as our kids age and we have to loosen our grip. We want our children to not have to make mistakes or make wrong choices. I am sure our parents felt the same way. No one can say this parenting gig is not hard. 🙂
This is very, very wise advice. i love the story of you allowing your daughter to make mistakes. I see so many parents today doing everything they can to make sure their children don’t make any mistakes. Happy to have found you from Pitstop tonight.
I agree that as parents we sometimes stop this process. As parents we want to help our children to not make mistakes, but if they never do learn how to make and recover from their small mistakes, they are unprepared for the bigger mistakes we as parents can not fix no matter how hard we try. It is such a fine balance to try and achieve as parents. Thanks for stopping by.
Great post plus I’m loving all these photos and now I’m off to snoop around and see if I can find out where they’re from – they look like someplace I’ve hiked!
Hi Lisa. The photos are from a trip to Ireland. In this area we did a lot of hiking. So beautiful there. Blessings.
We recently came face to face with giving our 14 year old this room to learn and grow. As much as I wanted to rush in and clean up the mess or intervene to simply tidy the corners, I knew he needed this opportunity to learn and grow. More than that, God needed me to move out of His way so He could stretch and teach. Parenting is no joke, but I agree – sometimes mistakes are the best teacher.
Tiffany, thanks for sharing your story. It can inspire others. Great wisdom that sometimes we need to move out of the way so God can stretch and teach our children.
You sound like an awesome parent. Good for you to have the conversation with your child and let her know that ultimately the decision was going to be hers…..empowerment starts early in life. You did great mom…..Glad to meet you on the blog hop.
Thanks for stopping by, Olivia, and for the encouragement.
Theresa, this post made the most clicked list on the Blogger’s Pit Stop. Congratulations on a quality post. Be looking for a feature on Friday.
Kathleen
Blogger’s Pit Stop
Wow! Thanks Kathleen.
Wow, what a brave little girl. She’s has a lovely Mama too. ^_^
I know that must have been difficult for her. She has enough sense of her “self” and respect for your opinion of her that she didn’t let the pressure get to her.
I wish I would have let my boys fall more, make bad decisions, etc. when they were young. It was only after I faced something that there was no possible way through that I let my meddling down and just loved instead.
I have a wonderful relationship with my boys now and I do attribute it to stepping back and letting them learn by experience just like I did.
I’m sure your mama heart is just overflowing with proud mama love too.
Stopping in via the Blogger’s Pit Stop ^_^
It is hard to let our children fail, but it is to their benefit. So glad your relationship with your boys is good. Life is so much better when we are connected to our children. And yes, so proud of my daughter. Thanks for stopping by and blessings.